Great Friends

I’ve found two cheat codes in my life for happiness. The first is exercise, but I’m not gonna talk about that here. The second, is having great friends.

There’s tonnes of actual science to prove that having great friends makes you happier but I’m guessing you already know it. You can feel it. Think about one of your greatest friends. Think about how you feel around them. That connection. That comfort.

What is a great friend? A great friend makes you feel at ease. You’re “at home” with a great friend, no matter where you are. You can be yourself around them. You can be vulnerable. They support you and encourage the behaviour that you want for yourself. Most importantly, they share your deepest values.

But great friends are hard to find.

They are just rare. The chances of a given individual having the correct combination of values, lifestyle and personality traits that can make them a great friend, are unfortunately very low. The hit rate is higher on casual friends. With casual friends, you can share a couple of values or interests and that’s enough. But for great friends, you need much more than that.

Great friendships also need time. To become great friends with someone, you need to share lots of experiences with them - the more intense or unique the better. You need to learn a lot about each other and there’s no shortcut for this, it is just a function of time. Getting this time together is hard, mainly for reasons out of your control - people move country, or change jobs - and as adults we seem to generally have less time to spend with friends, especially ones that we are just getting to know.

So if you do find someone you think could be a great friend, do everything you can to spend time with them. Travel to see them. Prioritise them. Spend time with them one on one. Be vulnerable with them.

Another wonderful thing about great friends is that they can compound. One great friend can lead to another, and so on. Why? Well, someone who shares your deepest values probably hangs out with other people who share those same values. These people could be your great friends too.

If you have no great friends, start by exploring your group of casual friends. Find the ones that you think share your values the most, but with whom you’ve never really spent much time. Get to know them and see if the relationship deepens.

After that, open up your funnel. Create a larger surface area for you to meet people who could become great friends. Meet new people in environments that attract the values and types of people you get on best with.

I know that I have probably made this all sound quite mechanical - I’m an engineer, sorry, that’s just how my brain works. Of course, I recognise that life is messy and things don’t happen in such a predictable and formulaic way.

Who knows where you will find a great friend, or when you might lose one. But I do know that great friendships are one of the most worthwhile things for you to pursue in life.

So get after it :)