The Bumpinto Score

There’s a new metric I want to maximise in my life. I call it the Bumpinto Score.

Over the last few years my Bumpinto Score has been soaring. And as it’s grown, so has my enjoyment of life. I’ve felt more connected to people, experienced more moments of joy and finally know what it’s like to belong somewhere.

All because of my Bumpinto Score.

So what the hell is this Bumpinto Score thing?

Your Bumpinto Score = the number of times each day you bump into someone you know.

Now why do I want to maximise this? I’m sure to some of you that sounds like hell (more on that later). At the risk of over analysing a very natural desire to feel connected (and taking all the good out of it) I’ll explain…

As humans, we all have a deep need to feel part of a tribe. To feel connected. To feel part of a community. And a high Bumpinto Score is a strong signal that we’ve got that.

I lived in a small town until I was 17, a small city until I was 24 and a big city until now. Moving around and living in different places can make you feel pretty alone. There might be a lot of people around, but which ones are part of your tribe? You don’t even know them and they don’t know you. Would they look out for you? Would they even know if you needed looking out for?

When we feel part of a tribe, we feel safe. We feel looked after. We feel that someone has our back. We feel that we can take our guard down.

When I’m walking down the street and I bump into someone I know, I feel part of that tribe. I get the feeling that I’m surrounded by people who know me, and at some level, care for me.

On a more tangible level, bumping into someone just feels good. I find joy in those little moments. When I was walking to the cafe this morning, I bumped into a friend. A quick fist bump and a funny remark later and we’re on our way. What a nice little way to start the day.

Now, while I’ve been aware of this metric for a while, my approach to it has changed a lot.

Instead of maximising it, I used to try to minimise it.

If I spotted someone I knew, I’d cross the street and hope they didn’t see me. I’d keep my head down in the shop. I’d hang back in the line to order a coffee. This was at a time when I was new to my neighbourhood and needed social connection more than ever.

Why was I doing this?

I thought I was an introvert. For a long time, I let that identity define me and it created a distaste for social interaction. I didn’t realise the harm it was doing me.

Over the last few years, I decided that my introversion was not some innate character trait that I had to live with. It was a choice. A choice to prioritise isolation and peace over socialisation and connection.

It was also - to steal a phrase from the gamers - a skill issue.

Sure, I had the skills to engage with people; I could shoot the breeze and make small talk. But I didn’t have the skills to enjoy these interactions. Small talk would frustrate me and awkwardness in conversations would make me feel, well, awkward. I ran away from those feelings.

But what I’ve learned since, is that these encounters can be incredibly enjoyable. You just need the right mindset and the right skillset.

Over the years, I realised that feeling connected to people and my community was really important to me. The more time I spent with others, the better I felt. Whether that was long chats over coffee or two second “how’s it goings” as I walked past someone I knew.

OK at this point I sound like a complete freak! I get it. Talking about mindset and skillset for having a chat with someone on the street… It’s important to know that I didn’t sit down a few years ago and develop a plan to maximise this score, tracking it daily in a spreadsheet and graphing it over time. No seriously, I promise I didn’t do this!

I only thought of the Bumpinto Score the other day. It’s my post-hoc explanation for how I’ve changed over the years and the benefits I’ve seen from this change.

If you’d like to maximise your own Bumpinto score, what can you do?

The main thing is, you just need to know a lot of people in your area.

This comes from living in the one place for a long time (something not many of us in our twenties and thirties are doing right now). It also comes from getting involved in your community. Join the sports club, the parent’s association, a book club, a walking group. It literally doesn’t matter. Just join stuff. And more importantly, stay involved. Don’t leave after the first week because it was awkward. Of course it was awkward, it’s the first time you met people, that’s always awkward.

I joined my local rugby club eighteen months ago. It was three months before it wasn’t awkward and probably a year before I felt truly part of the club. After training last night, we walked around exchanging high fives and I noticed something kinda mad. I high-fived more than thirty lads. Thirty lads, who eighteen months ago, I had never met. But now, I’d go out of my way to bump into every single one of them.

Another thing you can do to maximise your Bumpinto Score is to find your favourite physical spaces and go to them often. Have coffee at the same cafe every day, work out at the same gym, get your hair cut at the same barber. Over time, you’ll get to know the other people who hang out there too.

Get out of your house and do stuff. Go to parties. Go to events. Anything. Nothing interesting ever happens sitting on your couch. I guarantee that the amount of time you spend in your house will be negatively correlated with your Bumpinto Score.

Then, talk to people.

You have to get to know people. Starting a conversation is the hardest bit. My favourite tip? Just say the first unfiltered thought that comes to your head. Yes, seriously. It doesn’t matter. Most people are just waiting for someone to start a chat with them and they’ll be thankful you took the leap - they won’t care what you actually said.

Last week I was sitting beside a guy wearing a beautiful wool coat. I turned to him and said, ‘hey man, your wool coat is beautiful.” We ended up chatting for an hour. Great guy.

If for some reason the life of a high Bumpinto Score makes you shudder, I get it. Wouldn’t it be better to live a quiet life?

In a hilarious coincidence, there’s a guy sitting beside me in this cafe and I’ve been eavesdropping on his conversation. He recently moved up the coast to a more rural area of Australia. He said; “it’s beautiful, but man, it’s pretty isolating. I mean, none of my mates are there and there’s not much going on socially”.

I’ve often thought about making that move up the coast. It would be quieter than Bondi and the rent would be cheaper. I could get a bigger house up there, with a back garden, maybe even a pool.

But my Bumpinto Score would plummet and that’s not a trade I’m willing to make.

Many of us fantasise about going to live on a farm in the middle of nowhere. Or in a cabin in the woods. It would be lovely and quiet there. I wouldn’t have to deal with people. I’d be at peace. Right?

But I’d ask you, is your resistance to a life with lots of social interactions something that you want to hang onto?

Or is it something you want to let go of and replace with days full of moments with others. With feeling part of a community. With a sense of connection to those around you.

With a feeling that finally, you belong somewhere.